How to Move Forward with Life After Grief

When unforeseen things happens I get a little out of whack. No, really I get a lot out of whack. I like to control my environment and have it be predictable, organized and manageable. I am system and process oriented with bits of creativity sprinkled in between. People think I live this flexible and free life. In all honesty, I don’t like living outside of my box except when it comes to my work life and inspiration. I take chances. I like to be bold and dream. In truth, I’m the kind of gal that orders the same thing off the menu almost every time because I’ve vetted it completely.

I don’t jump out of airplanes. I like to enjoy the simple things. I am terrified of heights but enjoy knowledge, art and the music of things.

These last couple weeks since we lost the baby has been a dark place where everything is extreme and my emotions were completely out of control. There were highs and lows and I imagine it will continue to be at least for a while. I hate that kind of emotional rollercoaster feeling. It brings me back to a time where I was just getting control of my life. It takes me back to a time when I just admitted to myself that I was a domestic abuse survivor who was ready to explore and really learn about me. It’s a time that I often think of myself as a previous life because looking back it doesn’t really seem like me.

I didn’t know how to deal mostly because I’ve never experienced this kind of loss or grief. The only thing I can relate to is the emotional rollercoaster that came with the decision to leave my abusive husband and start over as me.

Our family is knee deep in one of the most stressful event of our lives and yet I am surrounded by the love and support of so many it’s mind boggling. We just moved halfway across the United States from Oklahoma to California. Hubby and I both work for ourselves which allows for flexibility, freedom and the unknown. Getting settled takes time, I was naive at the length of time it would take and we were not ready. I only just organized my office this week, and I for the first time feel confident not relying on my car navigation system for everything. Adding a baby was wonderful but the pain and loss of losing him complicated everything. There is no training manual for me to reference to deal with this grief.

Logic complicates things as I know that at 11 weeks my baby wasn’t really a baby. He is and was a fetus and by all scientific definition wasn’t a person yet with memories or feelings. I spent many nights confused, overwhelmed and not understanding why I was so sad and emotional over something that wasn’t a someone yet. Why was I experiencing so much grief? It was in direct conflict to what I know and my my was reminding me.

I’m moving forward the only way I know how through self-reflection, meditation as well as love and support that my family provides. I don’t have all the answers. It’s not something I will ever get over, but I’m moving forward with my life because it’s the only thing I can do. I’m moving forward with me.

 

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