Goodbye. I’m Moving On.

I am hurt and upset. I feel powerless and confused. These are feelings I’m not accustomed or comfortable with. I like being confident, informed and in control.  You walked away from me for reasons unknown. It’s been weighing on my mind. It is driving me crazy. There are reminders of our friendship, memories and secrets that follow me around like ghosts. And I keep wondering how you move forward with the constant reminders of our past and the unanswered questions of why you moved on without me.

I keep reliving our last handful of conversations, interactions and phone calls wondering if there was something I could have done to change things. You aren’t responsive to my texts, email or calls. I want to know how I could be a better friend. I’m looking for something that I can grasp onto. I’m looking for something to help give me some peace and understanding. I got nothing.

It’s that feeling of not knowing that’s the worst. Your silence stabs me like knives. I feel like a jilted bride at the alter. It leads you to question and feel vulnerable in the most ridiculous ways. It makes you question decisions, friendships and the motivations behind their actions. Were they genuine or were they just using you for something?

I miss the intimacy. I miss the friendship. I feel hurt, and alone. The loss is resulting in distrust and distance of others because I worry about them walking away from me. I can’t let your problems continue to hurt and haunt me.

I wonder how someone can walk away without some sort of goodbye or finality. The idea is completely foreign to me. Maybe you are working on some things. And so I mourn what I’ve lost, and I think about moving on. I think about you and worry. I wonder if there is something I can say to help you in whatever crisis or situation you are dealing with. This isn’t like you to just walk away. Is this a cry for help or are you really done with me?

It’s been months. I’ve been waiting for months. Months you’ve been on my mind and in my prayers in the night. I’m trying to be adult about it. I’m trying to move on. I try to hide my sadness, hurt and confusion. I tell people I’m doing well. I’m kicking ass and taking names, but late at night when I’m alone and it’s just me, I’m thinking about you often. And I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy and I think about how our friendship has forever changed me.

Goodbye friend. I miss you so much. I’m thankful in the time we had together and the memories we made but I mourn for the ones that were part of a future that is no more. I’m moving on in this life without you. I know you are doing the same. I’m moving forward, but know I miss you and love you. I wish I told you more how important you were and are to me. I need finality that you aren’t able to give so I’m saying good luck and goodbye. I need to move on. I’m here to say goodbye. I’m here to say I’m moving on. I’m here to say goodbye.

 

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